Madame Sophia on Parenting and Politics
As a single parent, I try to not spoil my children, and try to teach them the values of thrift, saving and delaying gratification. My problem is my parents. I know they think they're helping, but they're really just driving me beserk. They indulge my 7 year old and her obsession with American Girl Dolls. She already has three of them!! There is no possible way anything I give could compete. Enough is enough.
After I expressed this concern to my mother, she gave my daughter a $100 bill. No slouch in the math department, Taylor quickly determined she could buy her own doll. When I opened a bank account and insisted she deposit the cash, she balked, insisting that Grandma wanted her to have a present. Please help.
Sincerely,
Single Parent
Dear Single Parent,
This is the easiest question I’ve received in all my years of advice giving, and the reason is simple: children have no rights; they are, for all practical purposes, chattel. A child has no legitimate claims beyond food, water, and shelter until he or she is old enough to work for a living, around the age of ten. So, do whatever you think best with the money, because it really belongs to you, not your daughter.
Think of it this way, if your mother gave your dog some fatty treat that wasn’t good for the dog, would you hesitate to take it away? Admittedly, comparing a child and a dog is a bit unfair…to the dog. After all, dogs routinely exhibit compassion, self-sacrifice, and sincere affection, and they contribute to the life of a family. Children do none of these things. So, do what you think is right with the money. Frankly, in your situation, spending it on a massage and a bottle of rum would be perfectly appropriate. If your daughter complains about the lack of a fourth American Girl doll, threaten to dismember the three she already has, one by one, until she sees reason.
Best wishes,
Madame Sophia
Dear Madame Sophia,
As an undecided voter, I have so many questions. Why are democracies so tedious? Why are Libertarians so rarely elected? Did we, on Ocracoke, once fare better with less government? Is it true that red and blue combined make purple? When Presidential candidates come over for dinner, what should I serve?
Red, White and Blue
Dear Red, White and Blue,
It’s rather presumptuous to ask so many questions at one time, don’t you think? Regardless, I’ll address them all…just this once: Winston Churchill famously said that democracy is the worst form of government, except for all the others. I’d say he got the first part of that right. Democracies are tedious for the simple fact that democracy is the most ridiculous idea ever foisted upon humanity. I mean, have you ever met the common people? Who in her right mind would want them choosing a leader? The Greeks claim to have invented democracy, and how are things going over there these days? In fact, I’ve recently unearthed archival evidence that our founding fathers proposed democracy as a practical joke, but when Ben Franklin didn’t get it they were all too embarrassed to admit that they were kidding and so they had to go along with it.
The answer to your second question follows from the first – Libertarianism is the most logical and consistent political philosophy in the US today, so of course it never wins. In terms of Ocracoke, sure we’d be better off with less government. All we’d have to do is give up our heavily subsidized ferries, flood insurance, Medicare, and unemployment insurance, all the jobs associated with the school and NCCAT, mail service, and Coast Guard protection from pirate attacks. But hey, in exchange, we could all drive on the beach wherever we wanted!
As for the colors, no, red and blue do not make purple. Every combination of colors in fact makes a gross sort of brown. Except for yellow and blue – they really do make green. Lastly, in terms of what you should serve a presidential candidate, it all depends on his party. For a Republican, serve hamburgers, rare, with a pitcher of the blood of poor people. For Democrats, I recommend Champignon Parmentier au Gratin, with a heaping side of self righteousness.
Happy voting,
Madame Sophia
