Mme. Sophia Advises the Boring and Beardless
Sincerely,
Humdrum Conundrum
Dear Humdrum,
The bad news is that, yes, you clearly have gotten old and boring. But the good news is that’s ok! As I always say, “different strokes for different folks.” Some people like to be wild and carefree, constantly making spectacles of themselves, and I suppose the world needs such people. But the world also needs quieter people, who both provide an audience for the reckless and keep them in check. Personally, I’ve found that sitting on the sidelines at parties has given me the opportunity to ponder some of life’s most profound questions, such as: “How much Jagermeister can a fisherman drink?” “What’s holding up that woman’s dress?” and “Who would win a knife fight between Katy Perry and Taylor Swift?”
The point is, don’t let others determine what defines a “good time” for you. If you prefer observing and contemplating to dancing and debauchery, then have at it! Not only will you feel more comfortable, but your keen contemplation of the human condition could lead to something really valuable (just not an online advice column – that job is spoken for!).
Sincerely,
Madame Sophia
Dear Madame Sophia,
Being such an attractive woman, I'm sure you know what you like in a man. How do you feel about facial hair? Do you prefer clean-shaven, well-trimmed, or scruffy? Are goatees acceptable? Since moving to Ocracoke I've noticed that a lot of the men here are hirsute and I'm thinking of following suit. What do you suggest?
Yours truly,
Beard or No Beard
Dear Beard or No Beard,
What I like in a man is a pulse and a tab at the local watering hole! As far as facial hair goes, I feel mustaches have been in disrepute for about the last century. Think about all the horrible mustachioed men: Stalin, Hitler, Geraldo…well, I can’t think of any more at the moment, but you have to admit, those are three big ones! I would avoid such company if at all possible. Then again, perhaps it’s time for a hero to arise and redeem the mustache, and perhaps that man is you.
So, here are three basic rules to keep in mind regarding facial hair:
1) Hair above the lips must precede hair below the lips – i.e. no beards or goatees without mustaches (I’m quite adamant on this point!);
2) Facial hair should exist in direct proportion to body mass – i.e. big men ought to have big beards, and vice versa; and
3) Neither of the above rules applies to men who are involuntarily bald or balding. Fate has indeed dealt such men a cruel hand, and the least we can do in compensation is allow them to wear their facial hair however they see fit.
Best wishes,
Madame Sophia
