Madame Sophia Gives Advice about Advice Columns

I publish an online newspaper on a small barrier island.  I love reading your column.  You are a beacon of light and a font of wisdom, to use cliched metaphors you would never stoop to.   Am I the only imperfect, marginally satisfied person in town?  How come so few others come to you for advice?  You've already helped me through several dark nights of the soul.  Are there better ways to seek counseling than public media?

Sincerely,

Gerald Montevideo

Dear Gerald,

Thank you for your letter.  I prefer to think of myself as a cupcake of wisdom covered with thick, gooey icing of compassion, but nonetheless I am grateful for your compliment.  To answer your last question, first, no, there is no better source for counseling than the media.  Think about all that Oprah, Dr. Phil, and Jerry Springer have done for us!

As to whether you’re the only marginally satisfied person in town, I’m sure you’re not.  I suspect the problem is that most people are too afraid to ask for help.  They live lives of quiet desperation, and they are too afraid to climb the mountain and consult the Oracle, as it were. But enough about other people, let’s talk about us.  I take it from your name that you are of Latin blood?  Am I correct to imagine you as tall and swarthy, with perhaps a hint of danger in the corners of your piercing eyes?  If so, the next time you find yourself in the midst of a dark night of the soul, why don’t you grab a bottle of wine and come over to my place?  I’m sure we can work through it together.

Until then….

Madame Sophia

Dear Madame Sophia,

I have a friend who loooooves to talk about herself.  She's the star of every story she tells.  My problem?  I loooove to talk about her, and mock her self-absorption.  Evidence suggests I'm shallow, but now I'm starting to feel like a bad person.  Maybe I am.  What should I do?

Sincerely,

Gossip Girl

Dear Gossip Girl,

As I always say, “If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody…come sit next to me!” (Actually, my friend Alice Longworth first said that, but just between us, she was a miserable old shrew).  Obviously your barbed tongue is not an ideal characteristic, but as someone who lives in a place with lots of “type A” personalities who enjoy calling attention to themselves (for example, by founding online newspapers), I can appreciate that your mockery plays an important social role.  After all, someone needs to keep these egomaniacs in check!  You basically play the role of the little boy who pointed out that the emperor has no clothes.  That’s great, but just remember what happened to that little boy – ultimately, the emperor had him drawn and quartered – and make sure you don’t go too far.

Madame Sophia