Madame Sophia: More About Cats, and Birds and Bees, Too!

I really, really want a dog. The problem is, we have 8, yes E-I-G-H-T cats. Two of them are indoor/outdoor. The other 6 are farm cats. But they all eat cat food, and we're spending alot on this high powered, fancy food. My husband says if we get down to four cats, I can get a dog. Then I will have a good reason to leave the comfort of my office chair and go for a walk every day - twice or three times with a canine buddy adopted from the SPCA! Think of the benefits! I know you all love cats in Ocracoke, especially the ones which are spayed and neutered, like ours. How about it? Want 4 happy, healthy mouse chasers? And how do I choose which four to move along to a new home?

Signed,

Too many felines

Dear Too Many Felines,

There are a number of issues at play here. First, as a modern, liberated woman, I bristle at the fact that your husband is dictating when you can get a dog. You need to tell him that you’re an equal partner in the marriage and that you’ll get a dog whenever the hell you feel like it. Now, having said that, he is of course correct – you can’t possibly get a dog until you manage to jettison some of your cats. That raises a tricky ethical question: What are our obligations to the animals we’ve taken under our care? Clearly, I am ethically bound to supply my dog with heartworm pills, but what if she needs a $10,000 hip transplant? Do I have to pay for that? I’ll be honest, I don’t know where to draw the line. Sometimes I buy the Walmart brand food, sometimes I feel guilty and buy IAMS. It is clear, however, that you can’t simply abandon your cats (don’t lie – I know you’re thinking about it!). Giving them away is fine, as long as you can verify the financial stability and moral uprightness of the recipients. Sadly, I fail on both counts, so no, I won’t take them. Good luck finding them a new home though. And when you do, I absolutely recommend getting a dog. They are not whinny, filthy, flea-ridden beggars by any means. In fact, much as it pains me, I’d be happy to give you mine. Just tell where and when to drop her off.

Madame Sophia

Dear Madame Sophia,

It seems that I've lost my sexy, and Justin Timberlake is nowhere to be found.  How can I get my groove back?

Sincerely,

Janet Jackson

Dear Janet,

Girl, you don’t need to tell me about it! I lost my sexy during the Taft administration, and I still haven’t gotten it back! I suggest you resign yourself to a lifetime of quiet evenings, chamomile tea, and lots of cats. Or, if you’re not quite ready to do that, you may want to check out WOVV’s annual bachelor auction. All the best looking men on Ocracoke are married, but there are still some fine-looking single hunks out there.

Happy hunting!

Madame Sophia

Dear Madame Sophia,

When you listen to the bird songs early in the morning, in the dark of night, sleepless and bereft, what do they say to you? 

Sincerely,

Marathoner

Dear Marathoner,

This time of year, what I hear the birds saying to one another is not fit to publish in a family-friendly venue like the Current (ducks are especially filthy, brutal creatures when it comes to their coupling). But when they speak to me, it’s a different matter. The other night, I thought I heard a lovely female robin tell me, “Be like the bird in flight . . . pausing a while on boughs too slight, feels them give way beneath her, yet sings knowing yet, that she has wings.” But when I asked her to repeat it, she responded quite clearly: “I said if you ever have a heart attack in your front yard, I’m going to peck your eyes out.”

Hope that’s helpful!

Madame Sophia