Advice for Island Romance
I'm a single woman on an isolated island with a seasonal tourist business. A natural disaster cut our season short, so the winter has been especially long. With February looming, some men I'd never consider dating are starting to appeal to me. How can I stay strong and maintain my high standards?
Anne from Avon
Dear Anne,
Well, you seem to think a lot of yourself, don’t you! I suppose you imagine you’re quite the catch and any man would be lucky to have you? How do you know the men below your “high standards” would want to have anything to do with you in the first place? I think you need a bit of a reality check. Here’s what I suggest: I know of an excellent consulting agency called We Help You Good To Look that specializes in what they call “total package assessment.” Simply send them a full-length photo of yourself (clothing optional; don’t be afraid to be sexy!), a resume, copies of all your banking and investment information, and your credit card numbers at PO Box 67341, Lagos, Nigeria. They’ll look over everything and tell you exactly what sort of man you can expect to get. If they advise you to “settle” for someone you think is beneath you, alcohol can help facilitate the transaction.
Dear Madame Sophia,
How do you avoid somebody on Ocracoke?
Anxious
Dear Anxious,
Running from a problem is never a good idea (unless your problem is a pack of wolves, in which case running is an excellent idea). Confront this person and work out your issue, or, failing that, berate her so ferociously that SHE will be trying to avoid YOU from now on. If, by some strange chance, none of that works and you really do need to avoid the person, I suggest you take a lesson from the prophet Elijah – when he displeased the evil King Ahab, he fled and lived in complete seclusion. Of course he did have ravens bringing him bread and meat; perhaps you could work out a similar arrangement with some pelicans?
Or, here’s a plan C: simply go about your daily life, knowing that occasionally you will run into this person. The fact that we frequently run into our neighbors is one of the best things about living on Ocracoke, and at times it one of the worst things. Just trust that for each time you run into this unpleasant person, you will also run into a friend who will encourage you, uplift you, and confirm that the person you’re trying to avoid is indeed a jerk.
Dear Madame Sophia,
Why are younger women attracted to older men? As an older man I'm am not so much attracted to younger women as I am a good attitude (something that seems to be lacking in women my age.) What’s an old fart to do?
Surfdog
Dear Surfdog,
I don’t completely subscribe to the theory of evolution, but I think it may provide the answer to your question. Women are genetically predisposed to seek the resources we need to ensure the survival of our offspring – resources that older men tend to possess. Men, for their part, are attracted to younger women because they are more fertile. It seems that whi;e we women do our best to ensure the survival of our offspring, men simply try to produce as many offspring as possible. This preference on the part of men also explains why good attitudes may be lacking in women of a certain age – we sense we have played our part in the grand drama of the species and that the hyenas are circling, just waiting for us to stumble.
Of course there are exceptions to every rule. Your preference for a good attitude over a young, nubile body is what evolutionary biologists refer to as a “mutation” that would probably doom our species to extinction if it flourished. But take heart – evolution aims for the survival of the species, not the happiness of the individual. If you prefer a good attitude to a pretty face, then go with it. I’m sure there’s a woman out there who feels the same, and I wish you the best of luck in finding her.
Dear Madame Sophia,
My girlfriend is a lousy cook. The problem is: she thinks she is a great cook and she loves to make big meals for me. Yuck! And she lets me take her out to dinner only once or twice a week. What can I do? I cannot tell her she is a lousy cook; that would be like cutting my own throat. Help.
Jersey Boy
Dear Jersey Boy,
The first point to clarify is – how lousy a cook are we talking here? Are we talking a bit too much salt from time to time, or are we talking salmonella poisoning? If you feel your life is in danger from your girlfriend’s cooking, then by all means, speak up. Otherwise, I think your instinct to keep your mouth shut (other than when you’re eating of course) is right-on. Look on the bright side – you have a person in your life who loves cooking for you! And who doesn’t expect you to spend all your hard-earned money taking her out each night! The fact that the cooking is awful is beside the point; to use a phrase I coined, “It’s the thought that counts.”
And if I may use your question as a jumping-off point for a rant about our culture, I feel our society places far too much emphasis on food. Gluttony is a vice, but we seem to view it as a virtue! You are receiving love, companionship, and the sundry other benefits girlfriends confer, all in exchange for having to eat a few lousy meals. Any man should be happy with that deal any day of the week! Now, if she tries to make you drive up to Avon to see the latest romantic comedy, you have my permission to draw the line.
Dear Madame Sophia,
Will you marry me?
Old Salt
Dear Old Salt,
I’m flattered, but spoken for – at least for now!
