Local Man Voices Confusion Over Holiday Similarities

I know it don’t make sense. But neither do Dinosaurs and Pharaohs. Did you ever ask yourself how they lived at the same time? You don’t do things that make sense because they make sense. You do it because you’re in love with an idea bigger than your own small existence. I’m in love with freedom, America, Lynyrd Skynyrd, and 7 pound, 4 ounce baby Jesus.  What does that mean? I love July 4th, Christmas, Thanksgiving, and my birthday.  

I do freedom, I love baby Jesus. I am Lynyrd Skynyrd, and I breathe America. That’s all I’m saying. This is how I’ve come to understand my place in the universe. If I can’t see my world through regular celebrations of baby Jesus’ birth to the Pilgrims set to Lynyrd Skynyrd tunes with some sort of patriotic explosions in the night sky; I don’t want no part of it. If I can’t have that, I might as well move back to the mainland.   

Between these holidays, we’re bugs on a golf cart hurdling through a void of emptiness. With the sudden fury of a face painter’s gentle brush, meaning returns with street food and late night cover bands. Yet, all of these celebrations, festivals of figs, and parties of the month start to blend together. I can’t tell July the Fourth from Thanksgiving from Christmas or my birthday. I used to think it was the clothes. I could figure out which holiday it was by how many clothes I had on. I ain’t wore no underwear on Thanksgiving or the July Fourth in at least ten years, so that criteria is gone with the wind. With the weather we’ve been having, the last two years it’s been the same temperature in November as it was in July. You want to hear something crazy? I was on the beach at Christmas. It was 85 degrees.

There ain’t much difference between shopping for Thanksgiving lunch or Fourth of July supper.  The turkey is the real difference. But since the doctor found my cholesterol is higher than the water tower, we going to be eating turkey hot dogs. What’s the difference? Turkey is turkey. Whether it’s December 25th of July 4th, I still got to run down to the store and get four bags of ice, beer, tampons, a string of lights, sparklers, a carton of Marlboro reds, two bottles of Margarita mix, four tomaters, and a box of instant mashed taters. I don’t know where you come from but in my world, those are basics to any family holiday celebration, any time of year. And depending on who comes over, my wife might make me buy some new underwear.  

So have a Happy Thanks Fourth of July Giving Mas.  

Winston Hatton

Ocracoke, NC (Somewhere near the water)