Join Capt. Rob's Offshore School of Discipline!
This program will provide an invaluable service for parents who are fed up with their offspring's unmanageable ways. Tired of whiners and picky eaters? Does the constant negotiation and bickering over everything you ask them to do get you down? Do they feel entitled to everything and responsible for nothing? Are you ready for your spawn to appreciate how good they have it at home? Then your kids are prime candidates for Capt. Rob's Offshore School of Discipline!
Capt. Rob knows first-hand how senseless, random beatings can help a child develop into a contributing member of society. Just ask him about his youthful experiences at Christ School!
All cruises will venture out through Ocracoke Inlet into the approximate center of the Bermuda Triangle. Children aged nine through nineteen are welcome to join Capt. Rob and his crew:
“Black Bart” Hernandez, first mate
Betty “Botulism Bess” Sills, ship’s cook
H.G. “Hacksaw Harry” Jensen, surgeon
T.C. “Tiny” Smith (6’ 6” 315 lbs.), Defense Against the Dark Arts Instructor.
Other crew members will be joining us later in the summer as they are released from prison.
For kids prone to seasickness we’ll be using the time-honored sailors’ cure: have them swallow a chunk of pork fat tied to a string, pull it back up and repeat as often as necessary.
Your child will learn all about shipboard equipment such as the bosun’s rattan and the cat o’ nine tails and join in traditional shipboard activities like bilge pumping, deck swabbing, and occasional keel hauling, not to mention our night-time favorite: “swimming with the sharks.”
Have no fear – all crew members are trained and certified in first aid, CPR, and burial at sea.
Be sure and let us know if your child is allergic to any of the following:
- Rum
- Rotten meat
- Weevils
Sign up on our website: www.goodshiplollipop.com
And remember: Come as ye aaahhhrrr!
