Rivals and Rosemary: More Advice from Mme. Sophia
I have a well-earned reputation as the most beautiful and voluptuous woman in my community. Beyond that, I’m also noted for my excellent advice and the wisdom I freely share with others. Just this week though, another women appeared in town who seems to dress and act even more provocatively than I do! And to top it all off, she too likes to give advice; in fact, she claims to be able to predict the future using astrology! What am I to do about this unwanted competition?
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Your new rival certainly sounds like a dreadful hussy. More importantly, if she practices astrology that means she’s a witch. Let her know that the stars indicate big changes and lots of smoke in her future, and then alert the civil and religious authorities so that they may burn her at the stake immediately.
Dear Madame Sophia, I have a problem. Although I love living on Ocracoke, I just can't seem to grow my own vegetables or flowers. Even my rosemary plants never get any bigger from the moment I plant them, even after an entire year. I plant daffodil bulbs, and they never come up. However, my DH just seems to be able to look at a plant and it will flower the next day. And yes, we live together and garden in the same yard. What am I doing wrong????
Roots B. Gone
Dear Roots,
No doubt your friends will tell you that if you just keep at it you too can be a successful gardener. DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! Gardening is one of those things that either you can do or you can’t, and if you can’t, you might as well quit immediately and save yourself a lot of trouble. Anyway, you don’t need to grow your own vegetables and flowers; there are plenty of people who will do it for you…they’re called peasants (or, for the more politically-correct, “farmers.”)
I’m sure it is frustrating that your DH seems to have a talent that you lack, but you could always celebrate the fact that your strengths complement each other – you are the yin to the other’s yang, the Abbott to the other’s Costello, the Pelosi to the other’s Boehner. Or, if you’re like me, you can choose to take the low road. Go out at night and rip up all of your DH’s plants and flowers, and go ahead and salt the earth too for good measure. Just try not to leave footprints.
