County Government Has Ties to Russia

Sundae Horn
County Government Has Ties to Russia

Breaking News: Putin is friend of friend of county officials.

The county manager, a county commissioner, and Ocracoke public librarian have all been implicated in aiding and abetting Russian operatives who seek to assert control over Ocracoke politics.

The Reverend Richard Bryant of Ocracoke United Methodist Church lived in Russia many years ago and, while there, met none other than Vladimir Putin. The Current did some muckraking reporting* and disinterred this photographic evidence of Ocracoke's man of the cloth getting friendly with Vlad the Paler.

County manager Bill Rich is a regular pew-percher at OUMC. That makes him just one degree of separation from the infamous Russian leader. That's five degrees too few!

Our journalistic team also discovered evidence suggesting that recently-elected county commissioner Tom Pahl is a fan of vodka, ballet, the novels of Tolstoy, and borscht. Coincidence? We think not. The Current is also pretty sure that Tom put in a bid to do restoration work on the Kremlin.

In a stunning revelation this morning, Richard admitted, in exchange for immunity and increased tithes to the Methodist Church, "Yes, I met Putin, and yeah, I threw the election for Tom Pahl. It was easy, like preaching to the choir."

It came as an epiphany to the Current that Russian operatives are among us as we worship, break bread, and attend the holiest of holy services: public meetings. But the recent emphasis from the County on community-this and community-that has a pinkish tint to it that's impossible to ignore.

Richard was feeling pretty smug on election night.
Richard was feeling pretty smug on election night.

Why would Putin be interested in Ocracoke? His motto is: "No election too insignificant; no town too small" for his minions to target for interference. "Having a wolf-in-shepherd's-clothing leading the flock on Ocracoke is a dream come true for Vlad," an undercover agent told us. "We've collected a dossier on county leaders that would make you pee yourself!"

Members of the Trump administration have pledged to contribute significantly to the church's coffers. "We are going to give bigly," they reported the President as saying. "We appreciate Ocracoke's collusion with this administration's quasi-treasonous activity."

Up next: Russian influence behind local and state government decision to bring pinko public transportation to federally-controlled Ocracoke Island. 

Editor's note: The Current is currently investigating the public library's Commie influence, which was very much on display at last week's presentation on Cuba. Does librarian Mary Bryant have ties to Putin's regime and Raul Castro's? Inquiring minds want to know!

*texted Richard for permission to use photo 

Thanks, dear readers, for indulging us on the most fun newsday of the whole year! 

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